apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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