Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
