Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
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Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
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I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
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