the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
