I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
