im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
and you fell through a lawn chair
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
