you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
