y did u give ur computer a hand job?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
