y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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