mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
