If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I said "one day" and that day is not today
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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