My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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