Heybabeimwearingurpanties
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
