if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
