mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
