Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
