I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize