my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
