I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
