You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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