I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Girls should come with a carfax report
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
