dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
