apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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