I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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