I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
