New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize