I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
