I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
