In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
