he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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