This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
