I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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