Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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