I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
