i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
