I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Randomize
