The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
