I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Randomize
