I accidentally had phone sex last night
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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