saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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