why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
