I could make wine with my vomit
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
