just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
