I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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