I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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