i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
