Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
