my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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