She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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