I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
