And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
