I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
