"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
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Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
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Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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