At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
why do cheetos always look like penises
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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