Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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