I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Walk of Shame today included voting.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
