Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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