Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
