Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
