this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
