meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
In other news, I just burned my penis
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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