am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
