I want to make a zoo with you.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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