another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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