if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
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He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
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He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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