Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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