when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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